What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
