Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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