if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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