Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
