Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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