We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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