Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's never too late to be topless.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
