There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
