Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm at about main and main street
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
