I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Someone signed my nipple.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
