I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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