He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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