I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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