My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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