I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
