if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
