i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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