What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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