Quick, to the slutcave!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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