Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
