i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
