i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I woke up under a house in Key West
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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