.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
