i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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