tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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