Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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