there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
