I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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