I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
