He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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