no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
