how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
