Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
