I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
