im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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