I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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