I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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