Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
