those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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