Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Pants are for mortals
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize