How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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