Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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