Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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