i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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