My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
