Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
