apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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