I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
