She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
do herpes really smell.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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