I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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