More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
