I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
