just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
