Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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