On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize