my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
