a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
