Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
