His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
