god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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