i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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